i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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