Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
