Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
