Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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