the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
