the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
