Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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