I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
