he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
