i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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