Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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