her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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