My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
