omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
