My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
