You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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