I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
