your parents love me but you hate me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
