And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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