Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
