the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
