He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
