If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
