i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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