so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
false alarm. still invincible.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
