Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
