I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
