Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The uberlube is also flammable
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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