my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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