So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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