My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i need some magic done to my vagina
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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