Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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