I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
would you consider him our boss?
then technically i slept with our boss
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap