You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
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Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.