Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
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Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
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It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.