I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
