How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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