Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
