Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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