just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
