awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
