You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
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Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
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I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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