Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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