Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
