I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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