I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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