I wish I could teleport
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
