You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
