Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
