i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
