Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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