I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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