Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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