I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
