Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
