I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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