I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
