you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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