my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
